totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
