My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
