anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
