you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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