took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
