listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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