the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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