Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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