im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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