i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
