i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
