my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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