It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
