susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
