i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
