Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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