How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
