just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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