some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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