Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
