I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
