dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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