How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
