is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
