i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize