You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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