we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize