i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
