Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
