well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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