I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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