The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
