Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize