I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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