Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
