I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
