They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
did you just send me my own nude
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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