Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize