I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
