god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
someone owes me an orgasm
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
