Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
