Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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