the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
