Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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