I cut my penus on the lid.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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