why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize