cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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