I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My dick has a subreddit
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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