Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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