we have officially lost it.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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