I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
