don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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