im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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