Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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