somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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