I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
