Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize