I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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