My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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