This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
