oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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