Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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