they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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