i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
