Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
