I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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