I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
