After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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