you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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