I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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